Making #HearMyVoice, by Suzy

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We began to collect recordings for our #HearMyVoice project on 9th October 2019, when we held a rally outside the Scottish Parliament to highlight our call for reform of the law on corroboration, and survivors, supporters, MSPs, family and friends listened as we spoke out. We asked for anyone who wanted their own voice to be heard to come and be recorded, to emphasise the scale of how many people in Scotland have suffered sexual assault.  It was important that survivors felt comfortable doing this as it is a huge step to admit to close family and friends that you have been a victim of such a terrible crime, never mind tell a complete stranger.

Finding your own voice to say those words can be very painful, frightening and full of conflicting emotions. But on that day many brave people came up to me and said they would like to be included, to let their voice be heard. Others said they would also like to do it but that it was too soon for them, and this was something I discovered during the project. There were so many people, of all ages, who really wanted to take part but just couldn’t find the “courage” to take that step. In my mind they were all brave, but it’s important to recognise that each person has to find their own moment to say “I was sexually assaulted”. So, this project is for everyone who is a survivor.

I began to record some voices inside the parliament building, having been assured that we had permission for recording equipment to be brought in. Unfortunately we were soon told to stop as it wasn’t allowed, and although we had to up sticks and move outside again it wasn’t really a problem. The parliament building is full of glass and hard surfaces which is a nightmare for recording audio. The sound of people laughing or talking in corridors was echoing loudly, and I just wasn’t getting clean audio. We moved outside but of course the concrete building and pavement were also echoey, but I managed to get clear recordings there. Some individuals had to do their recordings more than once due to buses or lorries going past but it all worked out well. I’d like to thank all of those survivors that day for their patience, as well as their bravery in coming forward.

All the other recordings were sent in via recordings on phones. The majority were sent in to our website, but we had also contacted The Moira Anderson Foundation and Wellbeing Scotland to ask if anyone might be interested in adding their voices, and a small number of contributions came from those sources. We also received many messages of support, and while wishing us good luck with the project they explained they were not ready to record a message. We had always made clear that real names need not be used, or that someone else could voice the words. In one case I offered to speak for a survivor, and she sent me the words to read out. I feel honoured that someone allowed me to do that for her and I hope I did her justice.

Once I had all the recordings it was a matter of deciding how to edit them together and how to use music or any sound effects. Some contributions were longer than others. For instance many people gave their first name and the age they were when their abuse first began. Others gave longer answers detailing how long the abuse lasted, while two others mentioned the lack of justice they received due to corroboration. I not only wanted their voices and words heard but I also felt it was important to try and create something that was emotive and interesting in terms of sound. I edited everyone’s words and began to place them in different positions. This took hours! It’s a bit like doing a jigsaw but you don’t know what the final picture is, so you have to try out variations and see what you think works. You also have to think about the pace of bringing in voices, and how much time between the words. I had found some music I thought suited the theme. It wasn’t a known piece so I was hopeful it wouldn’t distract any listeners. The pace seemed to suit the rhythm of the words and the mood of the contributors. I also created some sound effects tracks. You can’t really hear them separately but the piece would sound different if they weren’t there. I chose a sort of abstract pulsing sound which I thought gave a sense of unease and possible danger.  Additionally I made a track that sounds a bit like dripping water in a cave. To me it signifies emptiness and perhaps tears. Here and there I gave a slight echo to voices, and I also whispered “Hear My Voice” several times and recorded this to give a sort of 3D effect. I then mixed this together with the other voices who had said “Hear My Voice”. At the very end it seems as if the voices are fading away into nothing, and then I deliberately inserted a final, louder “Hear My Voice” for impact.

In a way this has been a labour of love. I’ve taken voices and words given in trust and tried to illustrate the pain and loss each person has experienced. It was a difficult task in many ways because for much of the time I had to divorce myself from what was being said and focus on the technical elements only. However at times, after hours of work, I realized I had become completely overwhelmed by the constant listening to these stories. The ages where abuse had begun, and continued. Tiny children suffering such horrors. Adults enduring pain and shame in secret. Even listening to myself over and over “I was 12”, was a constant reminder of my own difficulties. On the penultimate day of post-production I just had to step away completely due to mental exhaustion.

I can’t say a big enough thank you to everyone who contributed to this project. I know how difficult it is to say these words so I applaud your bravery. I hope you think I have done justice to your stories. If nothing else, you have been heard. You are being heard.

Now we need people to listen.

• TWO PIECES OF EVIDENCE
  
  Two pieces of evidence
  Why make it so hard
  To hold those accountable
  And to bring any charge
  
  Two pieces of evidence
  You say you need them there
  For crime to be acknowledged
  Or you choose to not care
  
  Two pieces of evidence
  Yet if I only talk
  Perpetrator stays silent
  Then you just let them walk
  
  Two pieces of evidence
  Even then when you have them
  Survivor takes the stand
  To face character slaughtering
  
  Two pieces of evidence
  To prove and corroborate
  One piece of evidence
  Does not mean there is no rape
  
  Two pieces of evidence
  For as long as it lasts
  Will suppress generations
  As it has in the past
  
  Two pieces of evidence
  Change may be upon us
  Give my voice here I stand
  With those Speak Out Survivors
  
  Two pieces of evidence
  Keep fighting the fight
  For this is injustice
  That must be put right
  
  Two pieces of evidence
  Why make it so hard
  To hold those accountable
  To bring any charge
  
  Two hold those accountable
  Two justify relevance
  Two prosecute sexual violence
  Two pieces of evidence
  
  
  Written By,
  Parent Of A Child Survivor

High Court of Judiciary. Name Redacted (60), who groomed youngsters before committing indecency offences against four underage girls and repeatedly raping one of them, was originally sentenced for six years but the Crown successfully appealed against the jail term, arguing it was unduly lenient. He was then sentenced to 10 years in prison.

It took me 11 years to receive this justice. I need to take you back to 2005. I was a 15 year old girl residing in a secure residential unit for troubled young people within Scotland. A set of circumstances had made me a danger to myself and I needed to be placed here for my own safety and rehabilitation.

However while there was some aspects of this place that were OK, I was certainly not rehabilitated or safe. What I was, was abused, molested, groomed and emotionally controlled. I have spoke about the abuse I suffered in previous blog posts so won’t repeat it again and bore you.

In around august 2005 shortly before my 16th birthday my abuse was uncovered. I had wrote down some of the stuff that had happened to me. When I say some I mean the sedate stuff and the emotional things. I at the start of the abuse thought that we were in a relationship and that he loved me. I did love him ( several years of therapy has made me realise I should not be ashamed of that) He made me feel that way and had completely and utterly manipulated me into feeling that way. 

My diary was found by two other young people and they reported it to the management. I was pulled into the office by the manager and assistant manager and asked who my abuser was and what had been happening. The police were called and attended quite quickly. I was resistant to speak to them because I did not want to get my abuser in trouble. I was still under his control and thought that this was all a big mistake and was worried he would lose his job and his family. My abuser was married and had a son. 

The police conducted there investigation and concluded it was my word against his and there was no evidence to press charges. At this point the police did not know about 2 prior allegations in 1996 and 2001. As the Local Authority had decided to not notify police and kept it as an "internal Investigation" It was done, dusted and forgot about. 

The way I was treated after was disgusting however that will be for another day.

Fast Forward 9 years later - 

It was the 21st August 2014 My 24th birthday and I was currently at work as a live in support worker when police tracked me down via my father. Within 40 minutes of them phoning they were standing in my clients living room telling me they believed me and that another girl had come forward about the abuse she suffered at the hands of Redacted . They made me aware they were reopening my case and that an operation was going to commence looking for any young people who had been under his care. December 2014 I had to attend an ID parade. He had been arrested in November 2014 and charged with numerous counts of sexual abuse and rape. 

The ID parade was the first time I had saw his face in nearly 10 years. 

His lawyer was present and when his face came on the screen I had to pull away and wanted to throw up. He had not changed he looked the exact same.

Fast Forwarding Again

In April 2016 was the trial, he had plead not guilty which meant that myself and the 3 other girls would have to stand trial and give our evidence and also be interrogated by his defence lawyer. It was one of the most traumatic experiences I have ever had to go through. I chose to not be behind a screen, I wanted some control of what was happening to me. I wanted to face the man who had manipulated me and abused me. I wanted to tell him how much he had destroyed my life. How all of this resurfacing had cost me my job, home and relationship as well as other things. My mind had locked away his abuse and made me forget it. But now Pandora box was opened and I couldn't get away from all the memories. He looked at me several times, The way he looked at me when I was a child with that sad look on his face. I for a moment wondered if I was doing the right thing, did I really get abused, did he really love me. I quickly stopped that thinking and thought to myself he is still trying to control me and it is not going to happen. I was cross examined for over an hour with his defence saying that i had imagined all of this, made it all up as I was angry that he rejected my advances. That I conspired with the other survivors to destroy his life.

However the jury could see right through all the lies and when my diary entries on the screen showed up I saw jury members cry. It took a jury of 12 people a few hours to find my abuser guilty on all counts. He was sentenced to 6 years imprisonment with being on the sex offenders for life. I was there when he was sentenced. He looked at me as he was led away and I just broke down.

11 years it took me to get justice, In 2005 due to the local authority's failings there was no record of previous allegations. So there was no corroborating evidence for the police to investigate. I am one of the lucky ones in regards to getting justice. Some people will never get justice.

 On Christmas Eve in 1985 I was 13 years old. I lived with my mum, my younger brother and sister and my 4 year old niece, and earlier that year we had all moved in with my Uncle Jack. Uncle Jack was my mother’s cousin and he had been sexually abusing me for 3 years by this point.

My memories of that day start with my niece being bitten by Uncle Jack’s dog, a bull mastiff called Boris. She had gone out to feed the ducks on the lake in the garden and Boris wanted the bread she held in her hand so he attacked her.

I remember hearing screaming, and the adults shouting. I remember my own panic at being told that she had been bitten and had to be taken to hospital immediately, and then mum and Uncle Jack putting her in his car and driving away while we had to stay in the house on our own. The dog was left in the garden and we could see him through the windows, prowling around the house. I remember being frightened.

The next thing I remember is later that evening; Uncle Jack had come back but my mum stayed in the hospital with my niece. I remember that the dog was back in the house. I remember that my brother and sister were asleep in bed but it was Christmas Eve and I knew their presents weren’t wrapped, so I remember that I went downstairs, into the dining room and I shut the door and started wrapping the presents. I remember that I had to guess who each present was for. Then I remember that Uncle Jack opened the door to the dining room and he was wearing nothing but his dressing gown, and it was open at the front, and I remember that this seemed inevitable.

Then I remember we were in his study, and he gave me a drink. I remember that it tasted sweet and alcoholic. I remember that the dog was in the room. I don’t remember any conversation, but I remember that the next thing that happened was I had to lie on the sofa while he had sex with me. I remember that this was my first time.

I remember I was cold. I remember the exact colour and texture of the fabric of the sofa. I remember that I did not cry, or try to stop him, or call for help. I remember afterwards I walked up the stairs in my nightie and I got into bed, which was a mattress on the floor of the same room where my brother and sister were sleeping, and I remember thinking that what had just happened meant that I must be a grown up now. I remember that I did not feel like a grown up though. I remember that I felt small and cold and uncertain and alone.

I don’t remember anything about the following morning, but I think we were left alone in the house again because I remember a bit later on in the day Uncle Jack arrived with my two Great Aunts, one who was his mother and one who was his aunt. I remember crying and running to him when he arrived. I remember feeling my Great Aunts disapproval. I remember they made Christmas dinner, but I don’t remember anything else about that Christmas Day at all.

You might expect that Uncle Jack would be the ghost of my Christmas Past, but he isn’t. He has no power over me now. I have repeatedly and publicly spoken the truth about what he did and I have no secrets or shame to carry any longer; they belong to him now.

No. The Ghost of my Christmas Past is the 13 year old girl I once was because even now, all these years later, she still breaks my heart. Her hopelessness and her loneliness and her powerlessness have haunted me every Christmas Eve since, not just for that first rape or the years of abuse, but for all the years she was unprotected and uncared for and unloved and unsupported. She is the ghost I have always lived with.

Today is Christmas Eve 2019. I am sitting at the table in my bright, warm, comfortable kitchen and I am eating my favourite chocolates. So far this morning I have been for a run, had a shower and then driven to the local shops for a few last minute necessities. While I was out running I was thinking about how I might get through this new anniversary, number 34, because no matter how many I have they are always difficult, and ignoring the significance of the day only makes it harder to bear.

So I decided that this time I will look it in the face and I won’t flinch from it and I will write it down and I will share it. I will do all of this because the most important person today is 13 year old Emma, and I want to make her happy, and I want to make her feel safe, and I want her to feel loved, and I want her to know that I am proud of her, and I want her to remember that this life she lives today is because she was a strong and courageous girl who survived unspeakable things.

At the shops this morning I bought myself a soft, warm fleecy blanket. I bought it because when I saw it I had an urge to wrap myself up in it, and then I bought myself a box of my favourite chocolates and a bunch of flowers for good measure. After that I went to the local bakery for a loaf of bread, and while I waited for my change I noticed that there was a small, hand-knitted angel on the counter, bearing a small, hand-written sign, and the sign said ‘There is hope’.

I did hope very much that Uncle Jack would one day have to face the consequences of what he did to me, but twice I have reported him to the police and twice the police have failed to take any action. I know that there is no hope left for this now, and so this Christmas I hope instead for the following small miracles:

That 13 year old Emma feels happy today.

That 47 year old Emma also feels happy today.

That writing this down and sharing it will ease the burden, and allow me to feel at peace with my ghost; a Christmas miracle, just for today.

Today is one of those days I just need to write.  It helps me to get my thoughts in order and also to look back and realise I’m not doing too badly surviving this journey called life!

I am a CSA survivor. Too many others will already know what these letters stand for, which to be honest is sad in itself.

From the ages of four to eighteen years old I was sexually abused by two men who took advantage of an innocent girl who didn't know any better; thinking she was being taught what being loved really meant, to finding out years later that in fact she were being used as a peadophile’s sex toy.

The hardest part of my journey wasn't the abuse, which probably sounds crazy to anyone who hasn't been abused.  The hardest part for me was learning how to be ‘normal’, if there is such a thing.

I remember writing the quote about a year ago:

“The biggest breakthrough is when you can see that you have been groomed! The next part of the journey is definitely a long and winding road with lots of ups and downs.  Hopefully like myself the road evens out, the fog lights come off and instead of feeling like the passenger you take the wheel and become the driver! 

I’m not saying I haven’t had a few crashes on the way but I can say now that I understand myself a whole lot more and I don't beat myself up as much as I used to.

I still have dark days and when life hits me a low blow there's always that underlying feeling that you ‘deserve this’, always chasing the feeling of being tainted and of being a bad person!

Of course, in reality I know that I am not, but like many of us, when you are trained to think a certain way it's always a fight to learn to think differently. You can overcome the abuse and psychological torture that at the time you didn't even realise you were being subjected to, because you just thought it was love.

My abuse stopped just before my eighteenth birthday but it took me at least another four years for my brain to start processing what I had experienced growing up as a child. To put this into perspective, I cannot remember a time during my childhood where I was not being abused. My earliest memory is the night my mum died; my second earliest memory is being abused for the first time when I was 4, and my third was telling my Nanna about what had happened to me. I didn’t realise at the time that this would then lead to my abuser seeking me out and abusing me for the next thirteen years.

Unfortunately my story is too common but luckily for me I was raised by a very strong woman who taught me how to deal with life and not let it break you…my Nanna.

I have one regret where my Nanna is concerned and only realised this from writing about my abuse: My neighbour that abused me for 13 years was a close family friend as his mum and my nanna were very good friends. I will call her Mrs D and she was roughly the same age as my Nanna although she may have been a bit older.

The first man I was abused by was my babysitter’s boyfriend and I told my Nanna on a Saturday morning when we were going to do the weekly shop. My Nanna listened to what I told her, that this man took his clothes off and lay naked on top of me and tried to get me to touch his bits, but it was only from writing about it as an adult that I realised the one thing she never did was to explain that what this beast had done to me wasn't right and that adult men shouldn't do this to little girls.  Instead she said nothing but she must have talked about it with Mrs D, who was the mum of the second man who abused me, because in later years I was told by her son that is why he sold his garage and home and chose to move in with his mum near me as I had already been “Broken in” and I understood what “real love” was. I do wish my Nanna had just said to me  “no one should do that to you Shirley and if it ever happens again tell me or another adult”.

Instead I just thought this is what all men did to little girls if they truly loved them…...what a mind fuck eh?  Remember I was four when the first man abused me and by the time I had turned five my second abuser had already positioned himself in my life as someone my Nanna could rely on.

The day the light came on for me was my eighteenth birthday.  I went through to his house to see him and his mum like usual and instead of being his usual friendly self, overnight he had changed into this entirely different person who was now laughing in my face because I was hurt and offended that he didn't even get me a card.  That was the beginning of my wake up call and even though I didn't realise it at the time I was about to go through many stages of healing, some very painful, almost soul destroying, but also empowering moments where I feel I started to really find myself and who I wanted to be.

The ages between eighteen and twenty two were my years I would say of ‘winging it’, still processing in my head everything that I had been through, and at that time still being the only one (apart from my abuser) who really knew the dark truth of my childhood.  I often describe it as like a shadow, because even in the moments where I did get to experience being a ‘normal child’ it was always in the back of my mind. You need to understand that this had become a regular occurrence that I had to endure at least two or three times a week. Whenever he had the chance to get me on my own something would happen.  

The stages of healing after abuse stops are crazy….

PRETENDING….Every victim of sexual abuse pretends! it's something you are taught from a very young age:  you have to ‘pretend to enjoy’ what is being done to you, you are constantly trying to please so you act the way your abuser trains you, how you’re supposed to be, you're looking for that reassurance all the time. I saw my abuser as a father figure, and he knew this and very much played on that vulnerability.  As I mentioned earlier I lost my mum at three and a half years old. I was taken in by an aunt until my Nanna took early retirement from her job to become my guardian. That's how he became involved in my life, his mum would watch me for small periods of time while my Nanna either worked or was out for a bit, and this is when he would have the opportunity to touch me ...so much so that if his mum went to make a cup of tea you could guarantee he would have enough time to put his grubby hand up my skirt, if she needs to go upstairs for the toilet well that was another story as it took her a long time to move, so that's when he would really get to play.  I knew I didn't like it but I didn't know any different by this time and all I knew was even though he did these things to me he was also really nice at the same time and as I grew older he became my confidante, he made me laugh, he had me convinced he was the only one that properly understood me and I believed it with every innocent peice of my heart.  

When you’re young it’s all a big game, a secret that only you and him know about.  The older I got the more he influenced me, and now I know I was like his little puppet, thinking I was acting in my own judgment but unaware that I was constantly and blindly being guided by him. The hardest part is when you realise that everything you may have had and believed in was a lie and that really you were some dirty man’s sex toy.

The problem came when I got too old for him. I was turning into a woman and that's not how he got his kicks.  I didn't understand all of this until years later and that’s what’s so hard to make other people understand, is all the psychological damage men like that can do, especially when they prey on one individual for a long time. There is so much grooming and manipulation that you have to take in and unfortunately if you’re as vulnerable as I was then you blindly take every word they say as gospel. There are so many scenarios I could write about that when I do start letting thoughts come back it’s like opening the flood gates.

What I'm trying to say is thanks to my abuser I became the best actress I know, because if you think about it, I managed to lead a secret life for fourteen years and no one suspected a thing ...and even if anyone did guess, who would be the first to warn him? That would be me! Which brings me straight onto my next stage. 

GUILT is one emotion I am certainly good at.  Grooming is all based on manipulation, zoning in on someone’s weak points.  Be it an adult or child it's all done the same way. You’re made to feel responsible for everyone's emotions so that if someone is feeling bad ‘then you must have caused that’  Every situation that has happened makes you believe that ‘you caused it’. I got told that when he first started to abuse me it was my fault because I would show him my pants on purpose!  That’s because I wore skirts to school, and he said he couldn't help himself because it was me who made him feel like that. Then as I got older, which now I know was very manipulative of him, he started turning sexual acts into money, because my nanna didn’t give me pocket money, he started paying me between £5 and £10 for sexual acts. He siad “Think of it like you’re doing your paper round, you’re doing something to make me happy and I give you money to do what you want”. He was totally playing on my teenage emotions.

The reason I’m telling you this is because I carried the guilt that I accepted the money for a long, long time. I felt guilty, as if I was just as bad as hime because I took the money.

Guilt is the biggest emotion that I still have to fight to this day.  I keep telling myself that I'm not a bad person and, as I tell others, “IT'S HIS SHAME NOT MINE.”

Over the years I have beat myself up to the point of not wanting to live anymore, because I have felt worthless and too damaged.  But I have fought hard and always tried to live by the rule that he stole my childhood but I wasn't going to let him do the same with my adult years.  He has stolen a few but I have learnt along the way and I will not let him or the guilt beat me.

TIME is one of the most important factors to any survivor of CSA. There is no overnight cure or recovery, and unfortunately our justice system is not always able to offer the justice you expect ( but that’s a whole other blog).

There is a common pattern with historic abuse victims where it does take time to come forward and to understand that what happened to you was wrong, and that what they did was a criminal act.

I stopped being abused just before I turned eighteen years old but it took me until I was twenty two years old before I told anyone.  I told close friends but no one within my family, and it wasn't until my Nanna died that I felt I could be more open about what he had done to me, because he had moved out of the area within months of stopping abusing me. 

I went for a short period of counselling at that time but then I never took any further action until I had my twin girls.  By the time they were two years old I couldn't stop thinking about what I had witnessed before he finally left my life. I saw him stalk a group of kids, fixing their bikes, being Mr Friendly, just like he had done with me when I was that age. Eventually this group of kids was whittled down to one little girl and I will never forget the night I went to his house to pick up key from him for my Nanna's house, and she was there sitting in my chair…..it was like looking into a mirror of myself ten years before. I felt overwhelming guilt that because I hadn’t told anyone what he had done to me, he could do this to more girls. Knowing how much damage he had done to me, how could I not tell the police if there was a chance of it stopping him doing that to anyone else? So I went to the police, but due to a lack of corroboration the police decided not to proceed with my case so my abuser to this day has not been charged.

This again is where time comes into play. I’m now forty one years old and it took years of trying to survive, and then the last few years realising that if I didn't speak out and fight for what’s right then nothing will ever change.

Which has brought me to where I am today, fighting alongside my campaign sisters, and slowly we are making people listen which in turn will bring change.

Talking to someone else who has been where I've been and understands without any explanation has given me so much strength. I honestly couldn't recommend enough to just reach out to others, If you need someone to talk to don't let the waiting lists isolate you - reach out! Unfortunately there are many of us to reach out to, far too many to be honest, but always remember that you're not alone.

I know I may never get justice, but if telling my truth gives even one other survivor the strength they need or the understanding that they are not alone, then writing these blogs will be worth it.

People heal People x